One of the most important findings I did, after my mother passed away 2004 and I was set onto a path of grief and healing, was realizing how I've suppressed my emotions for a long time. I grew up in an intellectual home, with both my parents being academic, where I was often told to not cry, to not raise my voice, less be angry and rather just discuss things. Instead, I often felt threatened and nauseous in my early teens. Bottled up.
It was when I laid in fetal position on the floor, crying, after my mother had just died, and realizing at the same time, that I was experiencing grief; thus becoming completely aware at the same time, as I've shared in my book The Call for Divine Mothering - applying the keys to paradise, that I understood the importance of feeling my feelings. That I had intellectualized them, talked about them, but not really felt them to their full extent, before this moment of intense grief. There was a sense of relief, afterwards, that taught me how my emotional cycle works. Building up, expressing, experiencing, and releasing. Simply feeling.
Often, I haven't shown, or even allowed myself to be in, any particular emotion as they naturally arose within, during any conversation or situation, but only afterwards. Like a delayed reaction. It took me out of being present and into my head, rather than being present in my heart and body. I guess, it was my way of coping with various traumas and the climate at home. But after my mother passed, all this came up to the surface.
When I just had started practicing Hawaiian Hula in Honolulu 2005, and was going to return to Sweden, feeling sad about that, I realized that I was finally feeling my feelings more fully in the moment, and with that, feeling more connected and in tune with others. It also reminded me of when I had lived as an exchange student in Ticonderoga, NY, 1988-89, and also experienced the same more emotional presence, away from home, away from Sweden, from our culture, norms and conditioning. Coming back home to Sweden summer 2005, it became the starting point of making an inner journey to find access to, and heal, this. A journey through memories and meetings.
Now 20 years later, I've come back to myself better, feel things quicker, and more intensely, and then just as quick, let go, and return to peace. Choosing carefully, what I allow in, and even receiving and recognizing grace.
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